Dare Not to Cry
by Rainy Phantasm
Summary: She will be happy if he is happy. Fem!Romano. One-sided SpaMano. High school AU. Oneshot.


**Just an angsty oneshot for you all.**

**Enjoy~!**

**Characters: Spain (Antonio), Belgium (Bella)**

**Nyotalia Characters: Fem!Romano (Lovina)**

**Pairings: One-sided SpaMano, SpaBel**

**AU: High school**

**Disclaimer: Hetalia: Axis Powers © Hidekaz Himaruya**

* * *

**DARE NOT TO CRY**

It's cold; the chilly November air leaves goosebumps on Lovina's skin. She can hear the shouts of her classmates as they play football on the field, their laughter ringing in her ears, while she sits under a tree, alone, halfheartedly eating her lunch. _Damn it all._

It is her second year of high school, and the past month had been anything but pleasant. She had immediately been shunned by all the cliques—she is not outgoing enough, nice enough, athletic enough, or studious enough. And while it is true, Lovina had felt her self-esteem crumbling away when she realized that nobody wanted her, that nobody accepted her for who she was. _Am I that unpleasant?_

Weeks later, the broken Lovina had been stashed away somewhere deep inside of her. Sometimes, she still wants to cry, but she does not dare to show any sign of weakness. The new Lovina no longer cares whether or not people like her. She eats lunch alone and walks home by herself, and she is fine with that. She curses, she talks back, she gets in petty fights. _I don't need them anyway._

She shuts her eyes, willing all the noise to go away.

"Are you alright?" Lovina looks up, startled, and she finds herself staring into green eyes. The boy who spoke is a junior—she remembers his name is Antonio; he is in three of her classes—and there is a concerned expression on his face.

"Why wouldn't I be?" she retorts, regaining her composure. She has never spoken to him before.

"You look unhappy," he says simply. He then smiles at her.

Lovina scowls. Surely, he must be another of those students that came to tease her, make her seem like a joke. "I am, now that you are here, bastard."

"Aw, I'm hurt!" Antonio says jokingly.

Lovina can't help but chuckle at his comment. "Wonderful. Now leave me alone, idiot." She resumes scowling at him.

He laughs at her crudeness, and does not leave. "Actually, can I eat lunch with you?" He sits down next to her.

She narrows her eyes in suspicion. "Why?"

"I recognize you from a few of my classes—Lovina, is it? I think we should get to know each other better! We can be good friends!" Antonio exclaims cheerfully, and begins to take out sandwiches from a paper bag.

The happiness he radiates is almost sickening. "Are you fucking kidding me?"

"Nope!"

Lovina groans. His words are earnest, however, and she believes him.

[/ / /]

Throughout the next months, Antonio is there for her.

At first, she tries to push him away. But he eats with her every lunch, under the oak tree where they first spoke. He sits next to her in classes. He walks home with her. He annoys her, infuriates her, pisses her off, supports her, encourages her—all at the same time.

He makes her smile.

In return, she is there for him. She reluctantly tutors him in mathematics ("Please, Lovi! You're so good at math!"), listens to him as he cries over his parents' divorce, and stays with him in the hospital after he is injured in a football game.

Even though she never admits it, she knows that he is a good person. Lovina feels her resolve to remain alone slowly weakening, and this scares her. She has never been this close to someone before.

One night, he is at her house to work on a project with her. As she pastes pictures onto poster board, he asks her curiously, "I never asked; what made you so unhappy on that day we first spoke?"

Lovina looks at him coldly. "None of your business," she mutters.

"But it _is_ my business. We're friends," he pleads with puppy-dog eyes.

It surprises her to hear him say those two simple words. "We are?"

"Yes, and I want to know," he says firmly.

In one night, she spills her heart out to him.

[/ / /]

Weeks pass. The school year becomes busier. Antonio makes new friends.

"I want you to meet Gilbert and Francis, okay?" he tells her afterschool one day.

"Why do you want me to meet them?" she spits. She hates first encounters, because they are usually awkward and strained.

Antonio shrugs. "I thought we could all be friends. It's fine if you don't want to, but either way, I'm going to meet up with them today."

Jealousy blossoms inside Lovina, when she realizes that Antonio is choosing to hang out with his new friends instead of walking home with her. "Fine! I'll come!" she shouts, glaring at him.

Bad choice.

The four students end up in a coffeehouse, sitting in a booth way too cozy for Lovina's liking.

"How about me and you have a rendezvous Friday night?" Francis whispers in her ear. Lovina yelps and slaps him, and he backs away, smirking as he flips his blond hair.

"So, you're that loner chick who hangs out with Antonio all the time?" Gilbert says, after checking her out. "Not bad man, not bad." This he says to Antonio.

Lovina seethes. "We're just friends, bastard."

Antonio laughs lightheartedly as he sips his coffee. "Yeah, we're just friends, guys. Leave her alone."

Lovina is glad that Antonio told them to stop bothering her.

So why was there a tightness in her chest when he confirmed that they were 'just friends'?

[/ / /]

Lovina knows that she cannot hide it from herself any longer. Around him, she is constantly nervous and butterflies are always in her stomach. Antonio's idiotic smile, his hugs, his laugh all reduce her into a blushing mess. She does not want to admit it, but she knows. She has dug a hole for herself now, and is only falling deeper and deeper inside. She despises herself for even allowing him to get close.

She knows it is not merely a crush. She trusts him. She knows him. He has seen her for who she is, and has accepted her.

_Friends?_ She wants more than that, and she is more scared than ever.

The oblivious bastard (the boy she loves) who ruined her life (made it so much better) never showed any signs of liking her more than just a friend.

Lovina finally decides to ask, one afternoon as they walk home together. "Antonio, d-do you like anyone?"

Antonio looks at her, smiling idiotically, and answers, "Not really."

"What do you mean?"

"School's just been really busy, and I don't have time to think about those things."

"Oh."

"Why?" There was a curious tone in his voice.

Now is her chance. She should tell him. She is tempted to, but her fear of being rejected consumes her. "I... I was just wondering," she finally says, her cheeks heating up.

Antonio looks at her strangely, but continues walking.

[/ / /]

It has been nearly a month now since Lovina last spent time with Antonio. With end-of-the-year exams approaching, he constantly spends his lunch and afterschool time in the library, his head buried in a textbook, and she does not bother him.

Lovina is walking in the halls of the school, alone, when a familiar male voice calls out to her. "Lovina!"

She turns.

She turns, and sees...

...Antonio standing with a blonde girl she does not recognize.

He looks extremely happy—far too happy. She walks towards them, her eyes narrowing at the girl (who is an inch taller than her, Lovina notes with annoyance).

"Lovina, this is Bella, my girlfriend!" Antonio says enthusiastically.

_Girlfriend? When did Antonio ever say anything about having a girlfriend?_ Lovina's eyes widen, not wanting to believe it. _Itcan'tbeitcan'tbeitcan'tbe_. Bella smiles gently at her, her large doe eyes shining. "Hi!" she chirps, her voice sounding like bells. "Nice to meet you."

Lovina decides immediately that she hates Bella—gentle, sweet, beautiful Bella, who is everything that she isn't. A mix of anguish and fury at herself (why was she so stupid to ever hope he would like _her_?) fills her thoughts. Her mind is racing, as she scrambles to think of something to say. _Why is the truth so painful to hear?_ "W-why didn't you ever tell me you had a girlfriend?" She knows she sounds pathetic and hollow, but she is beyond caring.

Neither Antonio nor Bella notices how distraught Lovina sounds. "Ah, lo siento; I've been so busy with studying for the past weeks!" Antonio says.

"I started studying with him, you see," Bella explains contentedly. "Then we started texting, and found out we had a lot in common."

Antonio puts his arm around her, hugging her. She giggles, her blonde curls bouncing.

_They're both so fucking happy. _

"I-I'm happy for you, bastard," Lovina chokes out. She feels hot tears well up in her eyes, for the first time since October, but she does not let them fall.

She does not dare to cry, even after everything she has felt and still feels for Antonio. She keeps her mask on, and focuses only on her friend's newfound happiness.

She feigns a small smile.

_Yes, I am happy because you are happy._

* * *

lo siento = I'm sorry (Spanish)

**;-; ****What did you think?**

**I was trying a new style of writing; I really wanted to try writing in present tense instead of past tense. **


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